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Musings of an Energy Nerd

Christmas Carols from the Energy Nerd

A collection of new seasonal songs

Image Credit: Camila Gimeno

UPDATED December 23, 2010:

Click on the mp3 link above to listen to a recorded version of “The Blower Door Man Is Coming to Town.” Many thanks to Greg Cutler and Peter Troast of for recording one of this year’s carols.

Rudolph the Sloppy Builder

You know all about Norm Abram

And that old builder named Bob

But do you recall

The most infamous builder of all?

Rudolph the sloppy builder

Has a very shiny truck,

And everyone who sees it

Says he has money (or luck).

But all of the other builders

Say that Rudolph’s buildings leak.

They always tell poor Rudolph,

“Your envelope details are weak.”

Then one foggy Christmas Eve

Rudolph surfed the Web,

Where he found a site so bright

It showed him how to build real tight.

Then all the builders loved him

And they shouted out with glee,

“Rudolph the Passivhaus builder,

You’ll go down in history!”

Up On the Housetop

Up on the housetop roofers strip

Shingles off, from eave to hip,

Putting down foam board, trying to stop

Heat from escaping out the top.

Ho, ho, ho!

Heat likes to flow!

Ho, ho, ho!

Heat likes to flow!

Up on the housetop, seal your home,

Fill all the cracks and lay down foam.

After the foam guys seal the crawl,

Workers begin to strip a wall.

Styrofoam sheathing, strapping too,

Into the cracks they squeeze some goo.

Ho, ho, ho!

Heat likes to flow!

Ho, ho, ho!

Heat likes to flow!

Up on the housetop, seal your home,

Fill all the cracks and lay down foam.

Next, ventilation — HRVs

Ventilate with a gentle breeze.

Tightening homes to stop the chill

Also lowers your energy bill.

Ho, ho, ho!

Heat likes to flow!

Ho, ho, ho!

Heat likes to flow!

Up on the housetop, seal your home,

Fill all the cracks and lay down foam.

The Blower Door Man Is Coming To Town

Oh, you better not freak,

You better not cry,

Go seal every leak,

I’m telling you why:

The blower door man is coming to town!

Did the windows get sealed?

Did you tape things right?

His test will reveal

Who’s leaky or tight,

The blower door man is coming to town!

He knows when you were sloppy,

He knows if you’ve been lax,

He knows when you’ve been bad or good,

So be sure to foam the cracks!

So, you better not freak,

You better not cry,

Go seal every leak,

I’m telling you why:

The blower door man is coming to town!

The workers in their pickups

Are watching with concern,

The bright red door is all set up,

And the fan’s about to churn.

So, you better not freak,

You better not cry,

Go seal every leak,

I’m telling you why:

The blower door man is coming to town!

Grandma Got Chopped Up By a Door Fan

Grandma got chopped up by a door fan

Coming home real late on Christmas Eve.

You can say that blower doors are harmless,

But as for me and Grandpa, we just grieve.

The blower-door man, who was Jewish,

Had no problem working Christmas week.

Grandma was drunk on too much eggnog.

And she died as we were checking for a leak.

When we found her Christmas morning,

The fan had pulled off half her coat.

She had fan marks on her forehead,

And her lungs were sucked up almost to her throat.

Grandma got chopped up by a door fan

Coming home real late on Christmas Eve.

You can say that blower doors are harmless

But as for me and Grandpa, we just grieve.

Now we’re all so proud of Grandpa.

He’s been taking this all right.

See him in there with his caulk gun,

Making sure his windows are all tight.

It’s just not Christmas without Grandma.

All the family’s dressed in black.

And we just can’t help but wonder:

Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

Grandma got chopped up by a door fan

Coming home real late on Christmas Eve.

You can say that blower doors are harmless

But as for me and Grandpa, we just grieve.

Now the house is much less leaky

And we don’t shiver any more,

But how I wish that dear old Grandma

Never walked up to that blower door.

“Watch out for fans,” I tell my neighbors.

I’ve told the guys, I’ve told the gals.

Grandma was pulverized completely

When the fan was set to 55 Pascals.

Grandma got chopped up by a door fan

Coming home real late on Christmas Eve.

You can say that blower doors are harmless

But as for me and Grandpa, we just grieve.

Baby It’s Cold Outside

It’s so drafty in here — Baby, it’s cold outside,

Why do our walls leak so? — Baby it’s cold outside,

This house used to be — I should caulk the cracks,

So very nice — I think the builder was lax,

But the fuels bills are high — I’ll get to it soon,

There are leaks in the floor — Hear the furnace roar!

And we waste so much fuel — But I need some more tools,

I’ll give you half a month more — I’ll fix the front door.

I hear the neighbors talk — Baby, it’s bad out there,

Like, “When will they caulk?” — Windy and cold out there,

It seems you’re always late — Yes, I procrastinate,

I need to fix my spouse — I’ll improve this house,

This house feels like a tent — I know you’ll relent,

When you promised, you lied — But, baby, I tried,

I shouldn’t give in — Being slow is no sin,

Ahh, but it’s cold outside.

I simply must insist — Baby, it’s cold outside,

I’m getting quite pissed — Ooh baby, it’s cold outside,

This winter has been — I’ll patch the big holes with tin,

So bitter and cold — I’ll scrape off the mold,

My aunt says you’re lazy — Your family is crazy,

My sister says you’re a bum — Let’s drink some more rum,

My brother calls this is a shack — I’ll get a LEED plaque,

I’ll give you one week more — Never such a blizzard before.

We can’t call this a house — It’s freezing out there,

I’ve got a dud for a spouse — There’s a sweater somewhere,

The windows leak air — They just need some repair,

The sheetrock’s a mess — Soon, we’ll blower-door test,

It makes me cry, I confess — This house won’t leak no mo’

So I really can’t stay — Ah, but you can’t go,

Because it’s cold outside.

Last year’s parody: “’Twas the Night Before Christmas.”

10 Comments

  1. User avater
    Justin Fink | | #1

    I had no idea you were such a
    I had no idea you were such a lyricist, Martin! Ha!

  2. User avater GBA Editor
    Patrick McCombe | | #2

    Martin's Song Stylings
    Brilliant!

  3. ROY HARMON | | #3

    A breath of fresh air
    Thanks Martin, They're great!

  4. Andrew Henry | | #4

    Happy Holidays
    Hi Martin,

    That was a clever LEED plaque dig! : )

    I have been anticipating your Christmas parody as eagerly as my kids are anticipating Christmas. Thanks for another year of green building and building science journalism.

    Cheers,

    Andrew

  5. J Chesnut | | #5

    CD or holiday special
    Excellent.
    Now was it Michael Chandler who mentioned he was a musician? Someone really should perform these and upload music files using the advanced features of this site ; )

  6. User avater
    Carl Seville | | #6

    Bah Humbug
    Being both Jewish and a curmudgeon, never had much need for Christmas, although these are pretty humorous for the building science geek set.

  7. Joe W | | #7

    Thanks. I think.
    We need audio to record all the groans.

    Merry Christmas, and happy holidays, to you, too.

    Joe W.

  8. Doug | | #8

    fabulous!
    Loved every corny rhyme!

  9. Dan | | #9

    Absolutely love this. What
    Absolutely love this. What are the chances of getting permission to publish with credit given in a local paper? Can I re post on my blog?

  10. User avater GBA Editor
    Martin Holladay | | #10

    Response to Dan
    Dan,
    Yes, you can republish the Carols. Check your e-mail In box for more information.

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